Mexican Resolutions

Hola y feliz ano nuevo! I am back from Mexico and honestly, there's nothing like a week with no TV, radio phones or blackberry. The sounds in my ears were all natural--voices, birds, sweet chirps from the little lizards who lived in the thatch of our cabana roof, the flapping of moth wings, the high pitched whine of mosquitoes, the singsong Spanish of the waiters in the nearby restaurant, and of course, my favorite, the roar and fizz of the ocean. I would wake up each morning at 6:30 am as the tide rolled in because it was simply so loud--just 30 feet outside of the cabana. (Talk about a natural alarm clock!)

I can't believe that I haven't taken a whole week's vacation in years and the time itself felt luxurious. I didn't realize the effect that it had on me until I returned, plucked out of my 88 degree sunny cocoon into biting wind and 15 degree weather. (That sunburn I got has helped to keep me warm!) Now that I am back, I feel imbued with a sense of calm, and a grounding and centering to myself that I haven't felt in well over a year. It is amazing to feel no internal struggle, no niggling little voice telling me that I'm not good enough, no exasperation with my teeth or the fact that I'm unmarried. No anger or blame. Everything just is where it is right now. I battled against this before my vacation, and that battle just made me anxious, unhappy and feeling so unattractive. Now, a tremendous weight has been lifted to know that I just have to be where I am, sitting squarely in the center of my own possibility, but not cracking the whip.

It got me thinking about resolutions, and I make a list each year with intentionality, and it's interesting to see the list year to year, to understand what is most important to me in the height of the holiday swirl. To have been removed from all the parties and the hoopla for the first time this year has given me great perspective and for that I am most grateful. So here we go:

1. Those pesky 10 pounds are back. I ate lots of fish tacos in Tulum (fish with fresh papaya and spicy sauce! One cannot resist!) and once they started putting out buffets, I was lost. (Oh, that Pan Frances dusted with cinnamon sugar for breakfast! Yum!) I am back on the wagon today, and it feels good to do so. I have been comforting myself with cakes and cheese these past few months, but now I want to comfort myself with health.

2. I want more quiet time. I am always whizzing around the city meeting friends, getting home late, and climbing into bed well past midnight. I think I need some time to be quiet and still with myself. Maybe I'll even meditate, though the thought of it has always made me a bit nervous. If anyone knows of a good website, book or meditation that they like, let me know.

3. I am going to court myself. If I am not in a relationship right now, I want to behave as though I am, but with little ol' me. I want to make my apartment beautiful as though I am waiting for my sweetie to come home to it. I want to make lavish meals for myself, and light candles as I eat them. I want to buy myself flowers and give myself gifts of jewelry. (Which I did, in Mexico!) Maybe if I treat myself nicely, I'll be ready to let someone else treat me that way too. I'm still not feeling quite so pretty with the braces, but maybe by the time I feel completely wooed and charmed by myself, my teeth will have shifted into a place where they look good even to me, so that I'll feel confident enough to smile at someone else.

It's a process. But for now, it feels so good to be joyful and happy exactly where I am.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

What a great day!

11 inches of snow! I was invited by two separate groups of friends to go sledding once the nor'easter was done, and I took Cliff and Tzyh up on it. We sledded! We flew! We inadvertantly knocked over lots of little children who didn't heed our "look out below!" warning! I particularly liked the gal who used a NY Lotto sign as a sled. (Hey, you gotta be in it to sled it!)

The parks department was giving out free hot cocoa and Cliff had the wherewithal to bring a flask of Carribbean rum which made the drink of the day, "Happy hot cocoa." (Ah, yeah!)

C & T have been living in Australia for the last 2 years so we had some catching up to do. I spent a few hours with them before I brought up the braces and they said that they hadn't even noticed them at all. I'm beginning to finally believe that they're not as horrible looking as I think.

I watched a documentary last night called Enlighten Up!

which was about trying to prove the transformative power of yoga. It was a bit petulant and the thesis was a bit lost, but I liked seeing how the "subject" Nick Rosen was open to learning about different types of yoga and never became cynical about it. His questions were always good, respectful and guileless.

I was particularly moved by his conversation with Gurusharananda, head of the Karshini Ashram in India, who gives wisdom, insight, inspiration and blessings to those who seek him. What I liked about him, was his kindness. It emanated off of him, and he explained that the highest form of enlightenment is to simply be the truest expression of oneself. This sounds overly simplistic, but I don't think I really understood this until I heard it from his lips, because he was being so obviously himself. There was no artifice, no razzle dazzle. Just pure joy and kindness.

I think I needed to see this, and realize once and for all, that external judgement really doesn't matter when one is being truly oneself. It doesn't penetrate the solidity of what is within. It simply can't. The truest expression of me wants to laugh and dance and be sassy and live out loud, the way I was before the braces...and the breakup.

In the film, they touched upon laughter yoga which I had heard about before. It's a bit silly and makes one feel dumb initally, but after a few minutes, it becomes genuine, and who cares how you look when you feel so good after bringing joyful energy into your body so viscerally?

For whatever reason, this is appealing to me with the new year soon upon us. My father made a plaque that read "Today is the first day of the rest of your life," which hung in my parents bedroom when I was young. Starting all of my todays off with a belly laugh would have made him very proud.