Oliver's Twist

This Note From the Universe was delivered a few days ago:

"Sometimes that which you don't understand is drawn to you so that you will understand it. But never because you needed the lesson, and not because all must be so initiated, but only because there had been earlier thoughts of awe, wonder, or criticism. And such thoughts, as all thoughts, must have rearranged your life."

This has been sticking in my mind, and I've been tossing it over in my head like a shiny new penny in one's palm.

I was reading the latest O Magazine and Martha Beck's column highlighted Mary Oliver's poetry, which I've also turned to over the years. In the column, she remembered the poem pieces here:

When it's over, I want to say: all my life

I was a bride married to amazement

And who will care, who will chide you if you wander away

from wherever you are, to look for your soul

Maybe it is because earlier thoughts of awe or wonder or criticism that I am quite utterly amazed by things that are happening lately. A four month old baby was found in the Japanese rubble alive and unhurt. I was embraced and kissed by an Italian stranger in the street yesterday while on my way to get a salad for lunch (!) The temps neared 70 today and all thoughts of winter and blizzards were immediately forgiven and forgotten. And much to my surprise, today I heard "Dear Prudence" by the Beatles for the first time--ever. So I will quote the Fab Four and wish you much amazement in your own day:

The sun is up, the sky is blue

It's beautiful, and so are you.

D is for Done

My good friend Brooklyn Fit Chick, wrote this fabulous post about Oprah and her up and down weight loss. I have to admit that I felt a little kinship with Oprah after reading this post, and not just because because I've lost 60 pounds in my time. I know what its like to reach a triumphant place with your body, only to lose that glorious feeling and have it tumble down into a well. I also know what it's like to sit mournfully at the edge of that well, teeth covered in braces, until one day you say to yourself, "Ok, I'm done. Let me go fetch that good feeling out." It takes work, and strategy and time, but eventually, you can see its glow coming closer and closer into your hands. And once you're holding it, you wonder how and why you ever let it go in the first place.

This is all to say, I'm done.

It's been almost a year (just three days shy!) and I'm done feeling bad--about this whole thing. I made the choice, and I can either live happily with it, or I can torture myself with it. Let me tell you, the torturing has gotten really boring.

Case in point: I had to go to a very swanky party last week, and I was expected to give a speech in front of a ton of people in the fashion industry. I have to tell you, there was nothing terrifying me more than the idea of giving this speech, being on display and wearing braces. I fretted about this for days. I was snappish with my loved ones. (I apologize!)

But mixing and mingling with the crowd, no one seemed to even notice the braces. In fact, no one even looked twice. And the models that I spoke to, who I expected to pass judgement the most, were just as sweet as they could be. Come to think of it, they probably have to deal with self scrutiny more than anyone else, as their bodies are their moneymakers, and so a few brackets don't frighten them!

My favorite quote from Anais Nin is: "The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Blossoming sounds pretty good right about now.