Runnin' Up That Hill

It has been a long week.

Things have seemed so off kilter with our 29 degree weather on Monday and our soon-to-be 70 degree weather. I find that I am angry at things that normally roll off my back. I'm waking up anxious, my mind racing a million miles an hour. The only solution, it seemed this morning, was to go for a run. I haven't done that in a long time--not since I hurt my knee. Despite the rain, it felt necessary. It's been my best antidote to an overabundance of any emotion, and the easiest way to disperse it. I think better when I run.

The only people in the park were diehard runners and early morning dog walkers. I liked being among this "elite" group--the ones with true purpose, undeterred by cold and rain. I took a different route and chose to run up the hills as opposed to down them.

I've been thinking a lot about choices. Choices of all kinds. The choice to stay or go. The choice to get braces. The choice to change perspective. The choice to challenge myself or sit on the couch. Paper or plastic.

I love the line from Sunday in the Park with George, where Dot sings, "The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not."

I remind myself that where I am is product of many large, life changing choices. Some I question every day. Some I've made my peace with. There is comfort in knowing that the choosing is never a mistake. The choosing is what makes us alive. The choosing is the gas in the car, the rocket fuel, the nourishment for the body to run and jump and play.

What are you choosing to do today?

Spring Has Sprung

I haven't written much lately, as you may have noticed. I've been under the weather for the last three weeks and was sleeping as much as possible to try and get well. Monday was the first day I actually felt like myself, and I wasn't completely overcome with exhaustion and sneezing. I'm celebrating my wellness with these pics of Spring in Central Park:

Spring is a tough season. Everything feels like it's at sixes and sevens and this year I've been feeling downright dreamy. Perhaps it's because we really didn't have a winter coupled with the fact that it's going to be 80 degrees tomorrow that is allowing the forces that be to have their way with us. I find that I am overwhelmingly and irrationally upset at the things I know I cannot have. The view from my apartment on Chestnut Street in Binghamton. My grandmother's school ring from 1919, long ago lost. A conversation with a former boyfriend.

I read this a few days ago:

"A Course in Miracles teaches 'Your passage through time and space is not at random. You cannot but be in the right place at the right time.' You are not lost. You are not abandoned. You can abandon yourself and feel abandoned. But you will always find your way-- when you find your way back to simply accepting yourself without judgment and following your natural desires. You have your desires for a reason. " --Tama Kieves

I went to my orthodontist yesterday and he put on thicker wires ("fast wires" as he called them.) They hurt almost instantly. I asked him how much longer he thinks this will take and he said, "We're really at the end here, maybe another month or two." You'll forgive me if I don't believe him. He's said similar things before, and his sense of time is unreliable. Remember, we're now 7 months past the original date that was promised.

I'm really very zen here. I've decided somewhere solid inside of me that they will be off by July. It's a worthy experiment to see if that becomes true. I just can't let this rule me anymore. I've said that before, but for the first time, I think I mean it. Maybe it's the dreamy nature of Spring, but something else has a hold on me.

Dictionary.com's word of the day was "profluence" which means "flowing smoothly or abundantly forth."

Sounds like a good Springtime mantra to me.