Heavens Eleven!

"You don’t have to meditate for the sake of attaining enlightenment. If you are not interested in enlightenment, you can practice samatha ["calm abiding" meditation] to be natural—to not be so swayed by circumstances. Most of the time we are not in control of ourselves; our mind is always attracted to, or distracted by, something—our enemies, our lovers, our friends, hope, fear, jealousy, pride, attachment, aggression. In other words, all these objects and these phenomena control our mind. Maybe we can control it for a split second, but when we are in an extreme emotional state, we lose it."

--Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse Rinpoche, Do Nothing, Tricycle

I have to say that my mind has been attracted to and distracted by something on a consistent basis for the past month. My job essentially doubled, and though I am really excited by and enjoying the new responsibility, I am still exhausted by the fact that it--in addition to my other work responsibilities--is taking up my every waking, thinking, doing, or quiet moment. And because of this constant stimulus (including coffee! I haven't consumed coffee on a regular basis in years!) I have felt, in many ways, not myself. I have in recent memory associated myself with a certain equilibrium--and proudly so as it was hard won through daily yoga and careful nourishment. I am not recognizing this woman who has let go of her practice, who eats dinner at 9pm, whose temper is aroused more easily than it used to be, who thinks only about all the things that need doing, that haven't yet been done. (The monkey-mind of late is always, always looking for a banana.)

I like the idea of samatha--calm abiding. This to me does not necessarily mean doing anything other than moving within and through one's circumstances, the way a tree bends with the wind but does not break. Just because the wind blows does not imply that the wind is mean or cruel. It means that the wind blows in that moment, and the tree, if it is able, will bend. Similarly, a tree does feel sorry for itself: "Woe is me! I have to bend!" It just bends.

And similarly, my teeth are not "bad" because they are moving through their circumstances at their own pace. They are calmly abiding the forces that are acting upon them, and doing what they need to do to accommodate.

Today marks the 11th month with braces. My orthodontist was once again pleased with my progress and is now trying to move my whole lower string of teeth over to the left. I told him that was fine as long as I wasn't going to tilt to starboard. (Or would that be port?) He said we've done a lot, but there's still a lot to do, which I found a bit disheartening. I asked him if it was normal that I still have so much trouble chewing and he said that there is so much shifting for me every day, that this is going to be an issue for me. And then in a rare moment of empathy he shook his head sadly and said, "The mechanics of this process are unfortunately very difficult for you."

For whatever reason, this made me feel better. Yes, the last 11 months have been very difficult, but I just thought I was being overly sensitive, and I wanted to keep a stiff upper lip. (Literally.) But hearing someone who can really gauge these things tell me that yes, this is a really rough journey made me get a little gentle with myself. I guess a little calm abiding was in order all along.