Losing My Senses

I've been a little out of control.

I think I have been eating everything in sight. My friend Kristin says that this isn't really a problem since I only seem to eat every 3 days--but if that were really true, then how do I explain these extra 10 pounds that I carry like a hula girl's skirt? Huh?

I am back to wanting sensual experience in the ways I used to have them, but if I can't bite and ingest what I want, I'm over-compensating in other ways. I'm wearing silks and vibrant hot pinks, I'm showing lots of skin. I've started eating meat again. (Very small portions--and in meatball textured forms--but still.) I consider it my right to eat one pizza, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for braces wearers. I want richness and gooeyness and drippy, saucy, tongue tingling delights.

People Magazine recently interviewed Bonnie Blodgett about her book, Remembering Smell. It chronicles the nine month time period where she lost her sense of smell. She said that the loss of her olfactory sense made her "lose weight because you don't want to eat, then gain it because you want the satisfaction that food gives you. But you never feel satisfied."

As Anne of Green Gables would say, I think I have a bosom friend in Miss Blodgett.

I read a great article called Finding Patience by Michele McDonald in Tricycle Magazine and I was particularly struck by this:

Any time we want life to be different than it is we are caught in impatience. We lose our sense of humor; and self-pity, despair, and blame seep into the heart...The practice of forgiveness happens when we are able to realize the underlying cause of our anger and impatience, and this allows us to distinguish between someone's unskillful behavior and essential goodness. Serenity and calm develop as we learn to accept imperfection in others and ourselves.

When we discuss humor, we always say, "the sense of humor" as though it were indeed a sixth (or seventh?) sense. Similar to smell or taste, it also can be lost--and then regained. I also like the phrase "the practice of forgiveness," meaning that forgiveness is not a one shot deal, but that you have to do it every day, like calisthenics or face washing or commuting to work. The body has to be reminded of its purpose, usefulness, and pride, and so does the psyche, I suppose.

Hmmm. Maybe I'll start the practice of steamed veggies as a peace offering for my body--and see if it will forgive me for the Bahn Mi sandwich, the split pea soup, the mac and cheese, the macaroons de paris and the tres leches cupcake I traveled over 100 miles to eat this afternoon...

(Forgive me, but baby, it was oh so good!)

Be, Do, Have

I went on a blind date recently, and had the opportunity to talk with my suitor on the phone before we met. He was bravely guarded about his past divorces, and I was bravely guarded about the braces. I told him, in the spirit of full disclosure what to expect when I smiled. He said, "Of all that could have followed the phrase 'in the spirit of full disclosure,' braces are pretty minor." It was of course, the right answer, and one that shouldn't have surprised me, but kinda did. I'm not entirely certain what I thought he was going to respond, but that was our survey's #1 answer.

Now, the date wasn't all that, but it wasn't because he was twice divorced, or because I had braces. That realization provided a very slight, very lovely paradigm shift for me. We all hold these secret reasons why we can't do, or have, or be the things that we want to do, or have or be. The great irony is, no one knows these little secrets except us, so they're entirely unreal--just these extravagant stories we create to hold ourselves back and hold ourselves up. Usually Jesse James-like, at gunpoint.

There is this great New Yorker cartoon that my mom showed me when I was a teenager--it was the image of a man tightly grasping prison bars in front of his face, with a very sad, defeated look. But there was no jail surrounding him, just the bars in front of his face, which he held so tightly. Illustrates what I'm talking about here.

Now that I've got the bars firmly on my teeth, I think I'll let go of the proverbial or metaphorical ones, and just do, and have and be absolutely everything--not only in spite of the braces, but maybe even because of them.

Cue sweeping epic movie soundtrack!

Full Circle

As you can see by the counter next to this post, I have 360 days to go with the braces. I am thinking of everything lately in terms of degrees, small nuances that bring me from one thought to the next, moving my body from one place to the next. If I have 360 degrees to move from this place to the next, then I really am, in a certain way of thinking, full circle. The past year seems a full entity on its own, and now, something new has begun.

Don't know what that is yet, exactly, but that's ok. My new mantra a la Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim is "Something's Coming":

Pie in the Park

It might seem that I'm a little pie obsessed lately. I don't know what's up with that, but maybe it's some sort of locovore movement because it seems that EVERYONE in Brooklyn is reveling in summer pies. Today was the 4th annual Pie in the Park event. You pay your $10 and you have the opportunity to taste all the entries. (Honestly, I think there were about 80) My good friend Alicia entered with two luscious pies and whole contingent of us went to stuff the ballot box. (She made a wonderful lavendar vanilla, honey-infused, honey-sweetened Greek yogurt pie with Morccan biscotti crust. Oh my!) Here have a look:

This won for best presentation:

And this is the lovely Alicia with her equally gorgeous pie:

Even Buster was licking his lips at the idea of pie!:
Here are some of the entries:

Brad had a fork at the ready!:
Dig in everyone!: This is what happens after eating 80 pies...Birds-eye view of perfect pie enjoyment...Ah, the circle of life: I suppose this was the best way to celebrate my one year anniversary with braces. Celebrations seem to be abounding!

Happy Toothday!

I want to acknowledge that today marks a full year that I've worn braces. The traditional gift for the one year anniversary is paper, and the contemporary gifts are clocks. In this instance, I think clocks are really appropriate. And in this moment, I'm a little proud of myself, so I think this pic is indicative of how I feel right about now:

One down, one to go!

Yeah, Pie.

This is life in a nutshell:

And then:

Lather, rinse, repeat. Mmmmm.

Happy Happy Joy Joy!

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D is for Done

My good friend Brooklyn Fit Chick, wrote this fabulous post about Oprah and her up and down weight loss. I have to admit that I felt a little kinship with Oprah after reading this post, and not just because because I've lost 60 pounds in my time. I know what its like to reach a triumphant place with your body, only to lose that glorious feeling and have it tumble down into a well. I also know what it's like to sit mournfully at the edge of that well, teeth covered in braces, until one day you say to yourself, "Ok, I'm done. Let me go fetch that good feeling out." It takes work, and strategy and time, but eventually, you can see its glow coming closer and closer into your hands. And once you're holding it, you wonder how and why you ever let it go in the first place.

This is all to say, I'm done.

It's been almost a year (just three days shy!) and I'm done feeling bad--about this whole thing. I made the choice, and I can either live happily with it, or I can torture myself with it. Let me tell you, the torturing has gotten really boring.

Case in point: I had to go to a very swanky party last week, and I was expected to give a speech in front of a ton of people in the fashion industry. I have to tell you, there was nothing terrifying me more than the idea of giving this speech, being on display and wearing braces. I fretted about this for days. I was snappish with my loved ones. (I apologize!)

But mixing and mingling with the crowd, no one seemed to even notice the braces. In fact, no one even looked twice. And the models that I spoke to, who I expected to pass judgement the most, were just as sweet as they could be. Come to think of it, they probably have to deal with self scrutiny more than anyone else, as their bodies are their moneymakers, and so a few brackets don't frighten them!

My favorite quote from Anais Nin is: "The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Blossoming sounds pretty good right about now.

More Fun Flash Mobs!

Especially for my Philadelphians, and for those like me who have spent many an hour enjoying a tasty treats at the Reading Terminal Market this is for you. I love that the Opera Company of Philadelphia made their own flash mob! Bravissiomo!

Time and Travel

Apologies! Lots of them! I know that I haven't written in almost a month, but things got crazy at work, and I went on vacation, and my new niece was born (Welcome, Abigael!) It took me a little while to catch my breath, but I am back! (Thanks to those of you who asked where the blog went--I feel loved!)

I don't even know where to start. Since everything begins and ends with the braces on this blog, let me start there. I had started to get to a place where I was ok with them, and then something shifted again. Maybe it's that whole one-step-forward-two-steps-back kind of thing. Every time I start to get insecure, something reminds me that really, it's not all that bad. As some of you know, I went to Alaska on vacation to escape our over 100-degree temperatures. There I was in a hotel in Anchorage sharing an elevator with a woman wearing a t-shirt that read, "Got Braces?" I looked at her and said, "Why yes, I do!" and smiled widely. She looked closely and said, "Where? Are those Invisalign?"

I almost choked on my own cackling.

As we got to know each other in the elevator, she told me that the t-shirt was given to her by her daughter's orthodontist and asked me what kind of newfangled braces they have in New York City that make them so unobtrusive. (Which made me cackle some more, because they are hardly unobtrusive!) Turns out the woman and her daughter were from Nome, AK and there are NO ORTHODONISTS AT ALL IN NOME. This means that her daughter has to take an airplane and FLY the 1,000 miles to Anchorage for tightenings each month. I mean, that's the distance of the Iditarod! I will hardly complain about going out of my way for my tightenings ever again! Needless to say things were put in perspective for me.

Wes Nisker wrote in his article, Evolution's Body that "We now have evidence that our bodies arise from the forces and elements that make up the entire universe, through a complex chain of interdependent events. Internalizing this understanding can help liberate us from the powerful sense of ownership and attachment we have to the body, which is a cause of tremendous suffering, especially as the body grows old and we must face its inevitable destiny."

I think we all inherently know that the body we have now is temporary. It will change and change again. My body now isn't what it was five years ago, ten years ago or even yesterday. How powerful we are to have the ability to make that change! As I near the one year mark with braces, I find that I am both amazed at how much has changed and disheartened by how much still needs to be done. But at least I don't have to fly to Anchorage for treatments!

The trip was nothing short of amazing, the highlight being the 26 Glaciers tour we took out of Whittier, AK. It was a shocking 43 degrees that day, but so many lovely things to see. This was my favorite shot:It was so quiet and cold and still near the glacier. We could only hear the cracking of the ice, and the occasional ruckus when a piece of the glacier splintered away from itself and fell into the water, leaving behind bright blue bits of debris. Even the body of the glacier is temporary--what seems so huge and solid, is actually more delicate than one could ever imagine.

And of course, the water is home to these cutie pies!:

I was so utterly charmed by the little baby sea otter on the mama's belly. They didn't look real! I kept checking the water to see if Jim Hensen was down there playing puppetry!