Space and Time

"Wherever we are, it is but a stage on the way to somewhere else, and whatever we do, however well we do it, it is only a preparation to do something else that will be different."

--Robert Louis Stevenson

I went to the orthodontist on Friday. I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say this is going to take forever.

Perhaps this is one of the reasons why I've been turning my eye to the past this week, and to times when I've felt myself to be brighter, deeper, more in focus. I'm taking out these moments, and turning them over in my mind as thought they were glittery jewels. I'm delighted by them. I'm also tortured by them.

I went to a party on Friday night at The Gowanus Ballroom In the cavernous industrial space, Morgan O'Kane played extraordinary banjo mountain music as aerialists performed feats of elegant strength 20 feet above. We walked among the huge art installations and lazed within in an enormous iron replica of Genie's bottle. The floor shook with fantastic, frenzied dancing, and I was transported back to 1995 when art and bluegrass and frenzied dancing were weekly occurrences. It felt odd but so satisfying to reinhabit that time and place.

I read this today at from Adventurer's Club:

While it's often fashionable to dwell upon what might have been, what's usually overlooked is that really and truly, it couldn't have.

Because, invariably, any romanticized versions of how things "might have been," are based upon fictionalized versions of the past.

This is such a useful quote. Those moments, no matter how pretty and significant, were merely stepping stones to this one, as this one will merely be a stepping stone to 2012 and beyond. Whatever has happened stays static in the past, though alive and beautiful in memory. As one of my professors said in class in 1995, quoting EM Forester, "In space things meet, in time things part."

What is meeting in the space I am in right now? My teeth are beginning to meet each other in the right places. I've been meeting my yoga practice everyday, faithfully, for two weeks now. And I'm soon to meet a new year and everything that it may hold.

Very curious about the glittery jewels to be found there...

Hello

“Quietly go to work on your own self-awareness. If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself. If you want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation." --Lao Tsu, Hua Hu Ching

Well dang. If that's the case, having braces is something near to angelic, and instead of brushing my teeth I should be shining my halo. I'm being facetious here because I'm not feeling anywhere near the seraphim lately. I start off on a good path and then find myself taking the easy road, when taking the more involved road is tiring but more satisfying. This is getting proven to me time and time again, in small ways, and yet I still insist on having that free bagel when it's offered, that extra cup of coffee with cream, and tell myself "manana, manana" when I think about my yoga practice or running in the park. My body is so soft, my anger is so easily roused, and the zen that I once prized in myself is seeping out of me. The shameful part is that I've willingly let it happen. I have blamed the braces, but that's also the easy road. It's not these bits of metal in my mouth, it's something else.

I want to catch myself like Holden Caufield catching little ones in the rye, and eliminate all that is dark and negative in myself. It's done with ample sleep and green vegetables, and yoga. It's done with dance parties and exotic travel and moments of silence. I have not done any of these things in a long time.

I found myself trying to make friends with my teeth last night. I was consciously thanking each tooth for all of the incredibly hard work each molar, each canine has done over the last two and a quarter years. I actually felt each tooth throb in each root as if to say, "You talkin' to us? Fo' reals? It's about damn time you said hello!"

Perhaps that's all it takes for the real transformation to begin...

Quote of the Day

Over brunch with Brad and Nina (after a full morning of cheering on NY City marathoners) Nina asked, "When do the braces come off?" I answered with a casual, "Who knows?" Her reply, an indignant, "Forget Occupy Wall Street, it's time for Occupy Orthodontist!" was the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Hidden Treasure

26 months.

I've been to the orthodontist three times in the last two weeks. Let's just say I had to go back twice to have him fix his errors, and that the subsequent pain was so intense, I went back and made him figure out how to fix THAT. He has now introduced me into the world of "orthodontic elastics" aka rubber bands, connecting my upper left molar to my lower left canine in an effort to move my whole lower jaw over to the left to properly align the teeth. The great irony here is that the pulling has actually made my teeth feel better.

Time Out New York's Joke of the Week is this:

Lil Wayne told the women on The View that his diamond and platinum grill was actually "his form of braces." I'd love to meet the orthodontist who looked in his mouth and thought, Hey you know what might fix this overbite? Treasure.

Though Robbie Collier meant this to be funny, I can't stop thinking about it. I love the idea of slightly hidden treasure--when the mouth is closed, no one can see it, and the mouth is open, Abracadabra! Jewels! I'm starting to view my own mouth in this way, as I can finally start seeing the fruit of all of this 26 months of labor.

In yoga class yesterday, our teacher introduced the concept of santosha which is broadly defined as contentment, but in the context of not needing more than you have to achieve contentment. He challenged us to find the ways that one can feel content moving within and in harmony with one's circumstances, even if they are difficult, whether it be a complicated yoga pose or life situation. I feel like I'm moving into a new phase of all of this, a certain santosha, that no matter what gets thrown at me (including rubber bands moving my jaw diagonally across my face) it doesn't seem to cow me the way it used to. I am simply looking it in the eye a and letting it look back. As Joseph Campbell said, "It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure."

Lil Wayne and I may disagree on exactly the nature of that treasure, but for now, I've made my peace. I'm in a state of santosha. Whenever anyone asks me how much longer the braces will stay on, I answer with "Who knows?" I told a friend I'm getting very AA about it, just "letting go, and letting God." It's up to the universe to decide, and I'm not fighting it anymore. I'm looking it in the eye. I'm inviting it to tea, and offering scones.

(And adding perhaps a bit of rum to that tea is treasure indeed.)

Perspective

"Be patient with the process, and with yourself, okay?
It’s going to take some time.
That’s not a problem; it’s the point."

~Bernadette Birney's insightful blog on the Anusara Yoga certification process

25

25 months. We are officially over two years.

Dang.

The ortho was once again frustrated at how slowly that back molar is moving (as am I). I imagine he thought he was being reassuring when he said that "Cosmetically your teeth are straightened and done. It's just your bite that needs work." The only problem is that I never went into this process wanting cosmetic changes. They were a nice side effect, but it's the correctness of the bite that was always my first priority. He put a stronger wire on my bottom teeth this time in an effort to "move your molars in and underneath your top teeth." Do they hurt? Um, yeah.

He said that the outermost limit that these braces will still be on will be six months, but I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch. I suppose I should pluck up courage at the fact that he has never been definitive about time before, and that he has given me a true timeframe. But it's little consolation when I cannot feel true faith in his estimations. I still feel just as shackled by these braces as I did over two years ago.

And yet. I was getting off an elevator today, and as I left the man in the elevator said, "Thank you for your big smile, " and then as he left, he turned and cut me a look, and in a surprisingly flirty way exclaimed, "Showoff!"

Universe, you make me laugh!

20/20

It was my 20th high school reunion this weekend.

I will admit, that I did not want to go. There were over 600 people in my graduating class, and I didn't know half of them in high school, let alone trying to remember them 20 years later. I recognized few of the 175 names on the RSVP list. My friend Natalie was anxious to go, but I tarried sending in my check. I was curious, and I thought I might regret it if I didn't go. I'm trying to say more yeses than no's these days.

Natalie looked gorgeous, as she always does, but I was full of apprehension as we approached the door of the venue. The first person we ran into was our class president, who took one look at me and said, "My god, you look exactly the same...but better." That, my friends, was the right answer.

Now, there were plenty of people there I didn't know, and a few awkward moments. There were conversations that petered out almost as quickly as they started, but the ones that lasted were tangibly warm, as though I could literally see the lines of connection strong between us. We all marveled at how good everyone looked. There were no stereotypical paunchy, bald men, and the women were svelte and pretty. Indeed, for the most part, we all looked the same...but better. We reminisced, we cooed at baby pictures of children, we grieved for those of us who are ill, or no longer with us.

Afterwards, there was an outpouring on Facebook from attendees who were so delighted, moved, and fulfilled by the evening. I am loath to admit that this had me confused. I had a nice time, but my heart was not filled or emptied, my soul was not aroused or impassioned. I enjoyed the evening as I would enjoy a nice meal or a good day at work. Fine, but not life changing. I couldn't help but wonder if I had a hardened heart, or why my normally sentimental self was feeling anything but.

And then it hit me--during the course of the evening, I was told more than once how happy I seemed. If I am to be honest, I truly am happy. I didn't need a nostalgic trip to make me feel something palpable when my life right now is already wholly lived. This 20 year reunion coincided with a reunion with friends met in Morocco who happened to be in New York, and that evening was more full, alive, vibrant and soul touching to me. The past can stay in the past, my peace is with it and I wish it, as well as my 18 year old self, well. My 38 year old self, on the other hand, is proudly, proudly living out loud.

They say that hindsight is 20/20, but I am amazed and rather tickled to realize that my eyes see everything in this moment, crystal clear. Anais Nin said, "We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." Yes, oh yes, we do.