Jittery as a Junebug

It's an ungodly 6:30am on Sunday morning and I've been summoned by the siren's call to actually get out of bed and take to my computer. I don't know if it's because I ate so very much at a lovely dinner party last night--all of it braces friendly!--or because I've got too much on my mind, but to rid myself of the feeling, I figured I'd write it out.

I've been feeling jittery as a junebug. Conflicted. My boyfriend and I broke up just before I got the braces on and it has been difficult to separate out the emotions of the two. I've been in a prolonged state of purgatory, wondering when I'll both feel comfortable with the breakup and comfortable with the braces.

My friend asked me last night to let her know when I am ready to date again and it's a question that's left me full of questions. I want to be ready. I'm even thinking about it, which is a step further than I was even a month ago. As my teeth are getting straighter, I'm getting more and more used to the idea of dating with braces but there is something that is still holding me back, some interior wire attached to an interior bracket that says, "not just yet."

There is inevitably rejection involved in the dating game, and I understand that this is not personal, but with the extra layer of braces icing on top of the whole situation, I'm afraid that it will all get muddled in my head and I won't be able to separate out rejection to due lack of chemistry from rejection due to braces. And because I'm so sensitive lately, I don't feel strong enough to handle the latter, since I'm already rejecting myself day by day because of them. How can I possibly expect anyone else to treat me differently than I treat myself?

I can predict that this will change and shift as my teeth change and shift, thanks to the inescapable, seemingly innocuous atmospheric and seasonal forces that govern us all. The process with my teeth seems slow, but it is visible and surprisingly swift when taking into account the nature of the change. (We're moving mouth mountains here, people!) My friend in California told me not to rush the process, and she was right to say so. I'm not sure if she was talking about the braces, or the breakup, but either way it was wise advice. I've always been an outcome oriented sort, but the braces are teaching me to take things day by day, if not minute by minute. And this is a shift of its own in consciousness, so of course it's going to make me feel headachey, heartachey and restless (quite literally this morning) until it all settles and can, like a debutante at a coming out cotillion proudly present itself. (Accompanied by a fresh-faced escort, no less!)