One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

It started out so well.

Last night, I joined two co-workers to take a tour of Dyker Heights and see the craziest display of Christmas lights this side of the Mason-Dixon. We started the night eating luscious cakes at the Little Cupcake Bakeshop (I had a huge slice of the Dreaming Princess cake--almond cake with raspberry filling and meringue icing. Oh yes.) and ended it eating squares at L&B Spumoni Gardens. I ordered an eggplant parm hero and took it home to savor. Brava, Parmigiana! Brava!

I think I might have known what was coming.

I had popped a bracket off on Saturday and things felt downright lopsided, so instead of getting my tightening on Friday, I went today so see if I could get the bracket fixed. Not only did he fix the bracket, but he also put new metal brackets on my lower teeth. The fact that my orthodontist was in a bad mood didn't inspire confidence, and neither did his somewhat inept assistant who was putting in the wire. (Case in point--I will have to go back tomorrow to have them cut down the wire because it's impaling my cheek and I just can't take it.)

Upside:

1. If I thought my braces were ugly before, boy, they're downright gorgeous compared to the metal on the bottoms. I'm actually smiling more easily because of that. It reminds me of that old Jewish folk tale about the couple that complains of too much noise in their home, and the Rabbi's shrewd advice for making it quieter. (Click the link for the story.)

2. It's easier to close my mouth, and that Cro-Magnon look is gone, so there is more balance.

And that's about it for the upside.

My teeth hurt. I can't chew. I'm back to only 2 points of contact in my mouth, and those two points hurt. It was our department holiday party tonight and of course, I was in charge of the food. I made a great spread--and could eat none of it. I came home hungry and ate Tom Yum broth from the Thai place around the corner. I am still hungry.

I do realize that this will pass, as it did with my upper teeth. But I feel once again held in and held back, as though these brackets are holding in my soul and my sensuality and my hunger in every sense of the word. I know that when one is faced with this much resistance, the answer is to surrender to it. But how do I surrender?

I read this today:

At each point in our lives, we are at a crossroads. We are the fruit of our past and we are the architects of our future. When we ask, “Why did this happen to me?” it is because of our limited view. If we throw a stone up in the air and forget about it, when it falls down on our heads, we shouldn’t complain, although we usually do. We have this notion that what happens to us is somehow independent of our own actions. We can ask, why did this happen? but the more important question is, what we are going to do about it?

If you want to know your past, look at your present circumstances. If you want to know your future, look at what is in your mind. If we know that our fate is in our hands, then the quality of our actions becomes a central issue. The whole point of karma is to recognize how our actions determine our future, so that we can begin to act properly. It’s not just a cosmological or philosophical matter. It’s entirely practical. The main point is not to get in trouble again.

-Matthieu Ricard, "Karma Crossroads," from the Fall 2006 Tricycle

Maybe there is a reason why it is my mouth that is being affected this way, that I need to simply keep it closed and listen, rather than speak. Maybe there is something to be learned in the silence, and something to be learned in observing. Maybe I need to be even more aware of what I eat, and therefore choose it very wisely, and to savor it. Or maybe it's simply time to be generous in my compassion for myself.

I swear, when this is all done, I'm going back to L&B, getting a tray of sicilian with a side of pretty much everything on the menu--stuffed shells, rice balls, fried zucchini, you name it. Who's with me?