Just a post before I go...

As most of you know, I'll be off the grid for the next week, so I just wanted to say, Feliz Navidad and a wonderful new year to y'all. I promise to raise a margarita and toast you from the beach! (And come back with grinworthy stories!)

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

What a great day!

11 inches of snow! I was invited by two separate groups of friends to go sledding once the nor'easter was done, and I took Cliff and Tzyh up on it. We sledded! We flew! We inadvertantly knocked over lots of little children who didn't heed our "look out below!" warning! I particularly liked the gal who used a NY Lotto sign as a sled. (Hey, you gotta be in it to sled it!)

The parks department was giving out free hot cocoa and Cliff had the wherewithal to bring a flask of Carribbean rum which made the drink of the day, "Happy hot cocoa." (Ah, yeah!)

C & T have been living in Australia for the last 2 years so we had some catching up to do. I spent a few hours with them before I brought up the braces and they said that they hadn't even noticed them at all. I'm beginning to finally believe that they're not as horrible looking as I think.

I watched a documentary last night called Enlighten Up!

which was about trying to prove the transformative power of yoga. It was a bit petulant and the thesis was a bit lost, but I liked seeing how the "subject" Nick Rosen was open to learning about different types of yoga and never became cynical about it. His questions were always good, respectful and guileless.

I was particularly moved by his conversation with Gurusharananda, head of the Karshini Ashram in India, who gives wisdom, insight, inspiration and blessings to those who seek him. What I liked about him, was his kindness. It emanated off of him, and he explained that the highest form of enlightenment is to simply be the truest expression of oneself. This sounds overly simplistic, but I don't think I really understood this until I heard it from his lips, because he was being so obviously himself. There was no artifice, no razzle dazzle. Just pure joy and kindness.

I think I needed to see this, and realize once and for all, that external judgement really doesn't matter when one is being truly oneself. It doesn't penetrate the solidity of what is within. It simply can't. The truest expression of me wants to laugh and dance and be sassy and live out loud, the way I was before the braces...and the breakup.

In the film, they touched upon laughter yoga which I had heard about before. It's a bit silly and makes one feel dumb initally, but after a few minutes, it becomes genuine, and who cares how you look when you feel so good after bringing joyful energy into your body so viscerally?

For whatever reason, this is appealing to me with the new year soon upon us. My father made a plaque that read "Today is the first day of the rest of your life," which hung in my parents bedroom when I was young. Starting all of my todays off with a belly laugh would have made him very proud.

Yumminess

The way to a Bionic Grin's heart is through her stomach.

Yesterday, I went to my local smoothie/juice man to get some liquid breakfast. I told him about the braces and the fact that they're on for 2 years and he said, "man, that's intense," after seeing what these metal marvels look like. He gave me my very expensive juice for free, and kissed me on both cheeks to wish me a happy holidays.

For lunch I met my friend Francoise for lunch at a bustling Chinese joint, where I had a big bowl of broth and not much else. Frannie asked if she could have my fortune cookie, and I said, sure, if I could have the fortune. No joke, this is what it said: "Good timber does not grow with ease--the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees." That's one smart cookie.

I went to my brother's house for dinner, as I do most Friday nights. My sister-in-law is a phenomenal chef and I always look forward sitting at her lovely table, and eating her wonderful creations. So last night, imagine my gratitude when she made mashed potatoes, a very soft (and delicious) salmon, and a banana bread pudding with chocolate sorbet, all of which was divine, soft, and didn't really need chewing. All delicious and made me feel utterly loved.

This is to say, my friends and family are absolutely yummy. (And a special shout out to Cory--and Mick!--who got me a copy of Kafka's "Metamorphosis and Other Stories" for the holidays! Thank you, thank you!)

This Too Shall Pass

My mother likes to say, "This too shall pass," quoting that old parable about King Solomon. My father was a big fan of the Shelley poem, Ozymandias which utterly illustrates the concept of "this too shall pass."

I can't chew. My teeth hurt. My inner lip is torn up from the bottom bracket metal. I have more wax slathered on the braces than you'll find at Madame Tussaud's. In fact, I swallowed quite a bit of it. (Yuck!)

I'm a little miserable.

I have to go to the orthodontist AGAIN tomorrow (this would make 3 times this week) so that they can fix the broken bracket (yes, it came off again) which started all this trouble in the first place.

Each month I receive a newsletter from Awakening Artistry from Tama J. Kieves, and this was so apropos in her letter:

Your pain is your relentless guru. How do you gain instruction from the sting? How do you resist the urge to curse it, deny it, or lie down in a ball for a thousand years? How do you love yourself? How do you forgive yourself? How do you sit down right now and trust the perfection of where you are? This is the juncture of your freedom. This life is not about just sweeping the kitchen one more time, or sending in a resume. It's about feeding the wild blue bird in your heart on berries not of this world. It's about feeding the wild blue bird so that it flies free no matter what.

I do not wish you pain or suffering. But I know that pain will cause you to seek freedom and freedom will teach you who you are and why you're here. You are the light of the world, and you have love, talent, and healing to offer us. Because of the sand, the oyster yields the pearl. Peacocks grow their signature colorful feathers by eating thorns. "What is to give light, must endure burning," wrote Viktor Frankl, who taught about how he found liberation, through mental focus, in the harshest hours of living in a concentration camp. And Buddhist nun Pema Chodron says, "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us." You are the light of the world. And it's pain that reminds you, like a ferocious drill sergeant, to abandon your useless definitions of security, and penetrate the limitless grace within you.

We may not have easy lives at this time. But it's not because we're failing, falling, or inadequate. It's because our souls demand healing more than coping, soaring more than just reaching cruising altitude.

Yeah, what she said!

Remembering

It is the fifth anniversary of my father's death. He died on the 5th night of Chanukah or the 12th of December and I am remembering him.

If you knew him, you'll recall that he was always ready with a joke. When I started dating, his first order of business was to ask, "Has he read Kafka? He has to have read Kafka." Which is hilarious, considering the fact that I've never read Kafka. When I pointed this out to my father, in mock fury he would exclaim, "What!? Not read Kafka? And you're my daughter?? Child of an English major??" And we would laugh.

In seriousness, after the Kafka, he always told me to look for a man who was compassionate, because this, above all attributes was most prized. Gandhi says, "Be the change you wish to see in the world," and I have not been compassionate with myself at all, lately, so why do I expect compassion back? And I certainly haven't read Kafka, so with that double bind, tough luck finding a suitor who would have made my father proud.

Maybe it's time to take Metamorphosis out of the library...(or just use Google Books!)

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

It started out so well.

Last night, I joined two co-workers to take a tour of Dyker Heights and see the craziest display of Christmas lights this side of the Mason-Dixon. We started the night eating luscious cakes at the Little Cupcake Bakeshop (I had a huge slice of the Dreaming Princess cake--almond cake with raspberry filling and meringue icing. Oh yes.) and ended it eating squares at L&B Spumoni Gardens. I ordered an eggplant parm hero and took it home to savor. Brava, Parmigiana! Brava!

I think I might have known what was coming.

I had popped a bracket off on Saturday and things felt downright lopsided, so instead of getting my tightening on Friday, I went today so see if I could get the bracket fixed. Not only did he fix the bracket, but he also put new metal brackets on my lower teeth. The fact that my orthodontist was in a bad mood didn't inspire confidence, and neither did his somewhat inept assistant who was putting in the wire. (Case in point--I will have to go back tomorrow to have them cut down the wire because it's impaling my cheek and I just can't take it.)

Upside:

1. If I thought my braces were ugly before, boy, they're downright gorgeous compared to the metal on the bottoms. I'm actually smiling more easily because of that. It reminds me of that old Jewish folk tale about the couple that complains of too much noise in their home, and the Rabbi's shrewd advice for making it quieter. (Click the link for the story.)

2. It's easier to close my mouth, and that Cro-Magnon look is gone, so there is more balance.

And that's about it for the upside.

My teeth hurt. I can't chew. I'm back to only 2 points of contact in my mouth, and those two points hurt. It was our department holiday party tonight and of course, I was in charge of the food. I made a great spread--and could eat none of it. I came home hungry and ate Tom Yum broth from the Thai place around the corner. I am still hungry.

I do realize that this will pass, as it did with my upper teeth. But I feel once again held in and held back, as though these brackets are holding in my soul and my sensuality and my hunger in every sense of the word. I know that when one is faced with this much resistance, the answer is to surrender to it. But how do I surrender?

I read this today:

At each point in our lives, we are at a crossroads. We are the fruit of our past and we are the architects of our future. When we ask, “Why did this happen to me?” it is because of our limited view. If we throw a stone up in the air and forget about it, when it falls down on our heads, we shouldn’t complain, although we usually do. We have this notion that what happens to us is somehow independent of our own actions. We can ask, why did this happen? but the more important question is, what we are going to do about it?

If you want to know your past, look at your present circumstances. If you want to know your future, look at what is in your mind. If we know that our fate is in our hands, then the quality of our actions becomes a central issue. The whole point of karma is to recognize how our actions determine our future, so that we can begin to act properly. It’s not just a cosmological or philosophical matter. It’s entirely practical. The main point is not to get in trouble again.

-Matthieu Ricard, "Karma Crossroads," from the Fall 2006 Tricycle

Maybe there is a reason why it is my mouth that is being affected this way, that I need to simply keep it closed and listen, rather than speak. Maybe there is something to be learned in the silence, and something to be learned in observing. Maybe I need to be even more aware of what I eat, and therefore choose it very wisely, and to savor it. Or maybe it's simply time to be generous in my compassion for myself.

I swear, when this is all done, I'm going back to L&B, getting a tray of sicilian with a side of pretty much everything on the menu--stuffed shells, rice balls, fried zucchini, you name it. Who's with me?

Two Party System

I thought I had posted this on Saturday night, but alas, I did not, so better late than never. This is what I wrote then:

It's been an exhausting week. After the 4:30am start to my day work day on Thursday and more attempts at tidying things after the corporate shakeup earlier this week, I was simply worn out by the time the weekend arrived. I lazed in bed. I stayed close to home. I laundered blankets, and stayed close to the heat. I was invited to two parties tonight, but I was so tired, I was just going to fall asleep on the couch while watching March of the Penguins and call it a night.

But then my friend TJ called and said he was a few blocks away and he'd pick me up before going to party #1. This was the motivation I needed. I popped off the couch, tossed on some clothes and off we went into the cool night air.

I made a conscious decision not to be self conscious. I think I've been hyper-aware of meeting new people and the new possibilities that meeting them might carry. But for the first time in months I took the pressure off me and decided to just be myself. When a friend asked "What's new?" and I pointed out the braces he exclaimed"Cute!" without batting an eyelash. As I took the pressure off myself, I realized that I was having a really good time. I never made it to party #2.

I also ate all the cod balls and the Olive Oil Rosemary Cake (which is really a quick bread, but who's arguing?) Click the link for the recipe--it's from the Babbo Cookbook by Mario Batali. Leave it to Will and Kat for utter scrumptiousness!

Bewildered

It has been a truly bewildering day.

Corporate shakeup at my office at 11:30 am, which left everyone was so shocked, you could hear a pin drop for the rest of the day. (I still am employed.) Major meeting at 2:30 pm with 50 co-workers where I got a round of applause from the whole room for the work that I've done in the past year. It was a surreal opposite-of-The Office kind of moment. I honestly felt like I had won an Oscar or something.

I have written before about the concept of being seen, and I am not one to toot my horn or belt out "Rose's Turn." (I tried to embed the video but couldn't, so click the link.) And with braces, I am even more inclined to simply keep my head down for fear of someone forming an opinion--whatever that may be--only by what they can see.

Well, maybe it's time to pull the curtain up, light the lights and be unafraid of that opinion. Because it's becoming abundantly clear that I underestimate what can be seen of me not only by the eyes but the ears and hands and heart. And if I underestimate it, I reject myself before anyone else can. It's a neat and tidy strategy. Safe, but awfully lonely.

Marianne Williamson said, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be?...Your playing small does not serve the world...As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Bionic Grin's gotta let go.

Here she is boys! Here she is world! My name is Bionic Grin! What's yours?

Jittery as a Junebug

It's an ungodly 6:30am on Sunday morning and I've been summoned by the siren's call to actually get out of bed and take to my computer. I don't know if it's because I ate so very much at a lovely dinner party last night--all of it braces friendly!--or because I've got too much on my mind, but to rid myself of the feeling, I figured I'd write it out.

I've been feeling jittery as a junebug. Conflicted. My boyfriend and I broke up just before I got the braces on and it has been difficult to separate out the emotions of the two. I've been in a prolonged state of purgatory, wondering when I'll both feel comfortable with the breakup and comfortable with the braces.

My friend asked me last night to let her know when I am ready to date again and it's a question that's left me full of questions. I want to be ready. I'm even thinking about it, which is a step further than I was even a month ago. As my teeth are getting straighter, I'm getting more and more used to the idea of dating with braces but there is something that is still holding me back, some interior wire attached to an interior bracket that says, "not just yet."

There is inevitably rejection involved in the dating game, and I understand that this is not personal, but with the extra layer of braces icing on top of the whole situation, I'm afraid that it will all get muddled in my head and I won't be able to separate out rejection to due lack of chemistry from rejection due to braces. And because I'm so sensitive lately, I don't feel strong enough to handle the latter, since I'm already rejecting myself day by day because of them. How can I possibly expect anyone else to treat me differently than I treat myself?

I can predict that this will change and shift as my teeth change and shift, thanks to the inescapable, seemingly innocuous atmospheric and seasonal forces that govern us all. The process with my teeth seems slow, but it is visible and surprisingly swift when taking into account the nature of the change. (We're moving mouth mountains here, people!) My friend in California told me not to rush the process, and she was right to say so. I'm not sure if she was talking about the braces, or the breakup, but either way it was wise advice. I've always been an outcome oriented sort, but the braces are teaching me to take things day by day, if not minute by minute. And this is a shift of its own in consciousness, so of course it's going to make me feel headachey, heartachey and restless (quite literally this morning) until it all settles and can, like a debutante at a coming out cotillion proudly present itself. (Accompanied by a fresh-faced escort, no less!)