Mexican Resolutions

Hola y feliz ano nuevo! I am back from Mexico and honestly, there's nothing like a week with no TV, radio phones or blackberry. The sounds in my ears were all natural--voices, birds, sweet chirps from the little lizards who lived in the thatch of our cabana roof, the flapping of moth wings, the high pitched whine of mosquitoes, the singsong Spanish of the waiters in the nearby restaurant, and of course, my favorite, the roar and fizz of the ocean. I would wake up each morning at 6:30 am as the tide rolled in because it was simply so loud--just 30 feet outside of the cabana. (Talk about a natural alarm clock!)

I can't believe that I haven't taken a whole week's vacation in years and the time itself felt luxurious. I didn't realize the effect that it had on me until I returned, plucked out of my 88 degree sunny cocoon into biting wind and 15 degree weather. (That sunburn I got has helped to keep me warm!) Now that I am back, I feel imbued with a sense of calm, and a grounding and centering to myself that I haven't felt in well over a year. It is amazing to feel no internal struggle, no niggling little voice telling me that I'm not good enough, no exasperation with my teeth or the fact that I'm unmarried. No anger or blame. Everything just is where it is right now. I battled against this before my vacation, and that battle just made me anxious, unhappy and feeling so unattractive. Now, a tremendous weight has been lifted to know that I just have to be where I am, sitting squarely in the center of my own possibility, but not cracking the whip.

It got me thinking about resolutions, and I make a list each year with intentionality, and it's interesting to see the list year to year, to understand what is most important to me in the height of the holiday swirl. To have been removed from all the parties and the hoopla for the first time this year has given me great perspective and for that I am most grateful. So here we go:

1. Those pesky 10 pounds are back. I ate lots of fish tacos in Tulum (fish with fresh papaya and spicy sauce! One cannot resist!) and once they started putting out buffets, I was lost. (Oh, that Pan Frances dusted with cinnamon sugar for breakfast! Yum!) I am back on the wagon today, and it feels good to do so. I have been comforting myself with cakes and cheese these past few months, but now I want to comfort myself with health.

2. I want more quiet time. I am always whizzing around the city meeting friends, getting home late, and climbing into bed well past midnight. I think I need some time to be quiet and still with myself. Maybe I'll even meditate, though the thought of it has always made me a bit nervous. If anyone knows of a good website, book or meditation that they like, let me know.

3. I am going to court myself. If I am not in a relationship right now, I want to behave as though I am, but with little ol' me. I want to make my apartment beautiful as though I am waiting for my sweetie to come home to it. I want to make lavish meals for myself, and light candles as I eat them. I want to buy myself flowers and give myself gifts of jewelry. (Which I did, in Mexico!) Maybe if I treat myself nicely, I'll be ready to let someone else treat me that way too. I'm still not feeling quite so pretty with the braces, but maybe by the time I feel completely wooed and charmed by myself, my teeth will have shifted into a place where they look good even to me, so that I'll feel confident enough to smile at someone else.

It's a process. But for now, it feels so good to be joyful and happy exactly where I am.